This time of year is always so hectic that it’s hard to relax. Because I find myself a little frustrated.
I know that I am not the only one who is frustrated and I have come to think that it is not only me. And I feel that everyone’s mood is a little different from before.
Since the restrictions on various things caused by the coronavirus, or lately people worry about recession.
I think that the economic change has affected people’s moods.
For example, the mood of the people who would have been able to keep their shops open without the coronavirus.
Some people would have been able to keep their stores open if not for the coronavirus.
Now, some people who can’t go to work anymore. We don’t go out to eat with friends as much anymore.
We can no longer do the things I used to be able to do because our situation is always changing somehow.
This is very stressful.
Actually, I broke my leg a few years ago. I was very cautious of others, irritated with myself.
It was a very difficult time for me.
Speaking of inconvenient and difficult times, recently I feel that I have developed a distance from people.
Because I had to get away from people at a distance of 6feet.
At the time, I greeted my neighbors much less frequently each time I passed them.
With my mask and sunglasses (glasses) on, I can’t see their smiles or their physiognomy.
I am a worrier who asks how they are doing before I speak to them.
It is more difficult than before to initiate communication.
I think it has already become difficult to recognize who the other person is.
We tend to remember people by sight.
People with glasses and masks, I myself wear sunglasses and a mask. So, they frequently don’t even recognize me.
And I feel that the distance between us is gradually growing, like a wall.
What I am trying to say is I really think that I am a very social animal.
I have found myself in need of relationships with people because of these small differences.
When I was a child, my parents told me that I had always been very shy.
I think it was around junior high school and high school that I became more sociable, as if I had changed.
But this Corona experience showed me that my roots have not changed.
I travel, eat, and do everything alone.
I know that my time is very important.
Frankly, it is a very enjoyable time.
And I don’t want to belong to a society that forces me to be in sync with others.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with anyone.
I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not.
I just want to be one person who is real.
I think everyone has the desire to be needed or wanted by someone. But some people, like me, have a hard time trusting others.
A long-time friend of mine told me that when we get deep into a relationship, he can see 20% or so of a dark side to me.
He said that he couldn’t talk about it to me. Because he thought maybe it was about not wanting to be touched for me and He knew it was my habit of disliking and distrusting people who forced me to break that boundary.
I thought it came out and made it difficult for me to relate well to people.
That may sound like a shortcoming, but it is a part of who I am and I can’t throw it away.
However, I have come to realize that even if I try to force myself to trust people by pretending to be someone I am not, my tension won’t last, and in any case, in the end, I will be hazy.
In the past, I used to hide it and treat everyone cheerfully, responding to everyone in all directions.
But recently, I can’t do it in this pandemic and totally different circumstances, or I don’t have the energy to do it, or the other person doesn’t react well.
I sometimes felt that I was not cheerful, that I was not like myself.
But wait. I realized that I used to feel that I was not very active in talking, and that it was too much trouble to talk to my classmates during breaks at school.
I was the kind of weirdo who would sleep alone in the bathroom sink during school breaks because I didn’t want to talk to my classmates.
When I was in London for my internship.
He was always out of the group and wandered around by himself.
I used to annoy the teachers. So I wondered where my sociability had come from until a couple of years ago.
It came from the people around me who trusted me. The people around me who were making me feel open that way were the ones who were making me feel that way.
I realized that I was being sociable because of the people around me who made me feel that way, and because they did the same.
It was not that I was social, but that I and the people around me were relaxed.
Now, there is not enough room for everyone due to many things.
So the strange distance between us is understandable.
Things don’t go well with the people around us.
I don’t feel good about a lot of things.
You don’t have to think that it is because you have changed and are in a very low mood and force yourself to be nice.
You can live your life without forcing yourself to be nice, without forcing yourself to be a good person, without forcing yourself to be a good person on all sides.
I have decided that this is normal. And to stop thinking that there is something wrong with me, that I am wrong. And that eliminating the idea that there is something wrong with me or that it is my fault is the only way.
I am sure that to not pretend it will make my life richer and simpler.
Thank you for reading.
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